I wanted to let you know to go ahead and order me the 3rd basic package ($16 I think) and also to suggest that when the pictures are being taken to maybe blow dry her hair so it has a little more volume. When are they being taken?
Thanks and I’ll talk to you later,
NLet me just start off by saying I read this early this morning before I had coffee and it set an anger burning inside me that I did not know was still there. I mean this email is relatively harmless, right? Well, it just made my mind spew out excessive obscenities and brought up the B that mostly stays suppressed… Herein lies my rant/reply:

Dear N,

I have an idea. What don’t I just stick the blow-dryer right up your arse?

Ok, so that is a fly response and not so nice. Let me try again…

Dear N,

Thank you! I am so glad that you have finally decided to take some interest in your daughter. I can not tell you how relieved I am that you subsequently picked such a pertinent topic as how much volume A’s hair has… Foolheartedly, I thought you had no interest in giving suggestions on things that involved A, like the numerous times I had asked you for advice or opinion on how to handle her stealing, being violent, refusing to do school work, and lying. Now, I know why you had nothing to offer. You were saving it all up for a most important time like this - A’s hair in her school pictures. Silly me!

Unfortunately though, I am not sure I will be able to blow dry her hair at 5:30 in the morning. See, I am worn out from all the stress she has given me the night before and then continues to give me in the morning when I first wake up. I mean maybe I could just let it all go and not struggle with her to do homework or argue with her about how she has to wear a uniform to school and yes, a clean one at that. I could just let her get expelled from the school that I had to hound for 6 months, fill out 500 papers, and call people in high places to get in… I mean, I have nothing better to do than make sure she is getting an adequate education.

So, I was wondering maybe you could tie up those 1980’s Thom Mc Cann white balloon sneakers after you roll up your stretch stone wash jeans and drive over here and blow dry it for her? Oh, wait! You can’t drive. I forgot you lost your license because you were in too many accidents and then found out that you were really an illegal alien. Sorry, I guess that won’t happen.

I do want to reassure you that I won’t let her go to school looking like you did for her 4 year old preschool pictures. You remember them, don’t you? I’m talking about the ones where you stuck her in 2T mismatched clothes when she was wearing a size 4? Oh and the hair… Not much volume, but plenty of food, knots, and dirt in there. Probably from the fact that you were too busy to give her a bath but instead were busy practicing your dance for your strip club job.

Once again, thank you for directing me to do even yet another job for you. I mean, driving you around, and raising you child has not got me busy enough. I am always looking for some fashion advice and now know where to turn. I thank my stars for you!

Sincerely,

Your daughter’s evil step mummy

Believe me folks, I know I went way overboard on this one and was exceptionally mean… but it felt sooo good!