A train of self-trashing
The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ~Samuel Johnson
Today is the day of the week when I obsess about all of my flaws and doubt my general construction, both inside and out. I woke up with zits, several of them. I am fat and my hair is disgusting. I suck as a writer. I am a failure as a mother and wife. My house is a mess and disorganized. I have nothing to wear. It’s only 9 am.
As the day goes on, I will continue to add onto my self hate train. I have a lifetime frequent rider membership on this train to self-destruction. And at times, I can’t seem to find the door to exit this route.
My poor husband will try to make me feel better by telling me how sexy I am and be overly understanding with me when he doesn’t have any clean pants to wear. The poor man, he tries. Unfortunately, his attempts are futile, because the only one that can pull me out of this funk is myself.
“You just have low-self esteem, Hun.”
Yeah, for the first time, maybe ever, I agree. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? When and why did this all start?
I know that ever since I can remember as a child, I have always been hyper-critical of myself . I always just thought of these moments as normal, a way of life, and warranted. If anyone suggested I had low self-esteem back then, I would of laughed at the mere thought. Not me! When it’s all true, it’s not a warped sense of self, it’s just the truth!
Now, this disgusting habit of self-loathing is like a spook that sweeps the ground out beneath my feet when I am trying to accomplish something. It puts me on that train for a ride until I clobber the dogmatist driver and take control of the direction.
I would like to say that the direction of the train then heads on a route where I believe in myself and have positive rationalizations about my abilities. You know all hearts, puppies and flowers and stuff. No. Not so much.
The train heads to a place where I condition myself to realize that it doesn’t matter. Things are what they are. I can only try and make them better. I am who I am. I have a great life and am just focusing on it with a cynical view.
I feel that this habit has a hold on me, hard to break. Some may suggest religion as a solution. Honestly, I think my previous experiences with religion have a lot to do with the birth of my self-destruction. When I look over the chain of this habit, it is one of the original links.
I have been down the counseling route, here I am. Still me. Positive thinking could change things. Yeah, if I could only make that my habit. Yes! I will make that my habit!
I know I will be ok. This chain wraps around me every few weeks or so. It might start with a few links, a few self-doubts. “My cooking is horrible.” And if I let that chain build up, will come to a day like today, where I can do no right. If I just break the links as they start, then I won’t be smuggled onto the train to self-loathing and taken for a ride.
This post is a part of CHBM’s collaboration: habits and Carnival of the Blogging Chicks
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13 Responses to “A train of self-trashing”
October 10th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I can tend to start to go this route so I understand.
I try and recognize when this is starting up and refuse to go down this road. Oftentimes I can see that the reason I’m thinking this way is because I an tired or in my down time of the month. I put it all out of my mind and refuse to think about these things (I talked about this in my post “Dear Home school Mom”. I don’t give myself right to think about all the areas I wish I was better at on these days).
“Think on good things”
I’m glad you realize to break the chain early.
GOOD post!
October 10th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Once you start liking yourself, then you’ll just go through cycles of hating everyone else. I’m a total upper aren’t I. Sorry it has been a seriously rough week.
Seriously, I hope that you can make peace with your awesomeness. It’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve been able to like who I am in spite of all my faults and how far I have to go to be the person I want to be.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
God, this is good! I SO do this! Remember, You Are Fabulous!
October 10th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I do affirmations every single day. I look in the mirror every morning and say “I am one of the two coolest people I know.” And whaddaya know, I *am* one of the two coolest people I know!
October 10th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
You truly ARE one of the coolest people I know. You’ve talked about how the blog world has given you renewed hope in humanity. YOU have done that for me, Boogiemum. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re so honest. And I’m really glad that I blog know you.
The sun’ll come up tomorrow.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
[…] the record, I too have been inspired by Boogiemum (who is beating herself up with a baseball bat on her site of late). Boogie challenged me here to cut back on the gasoline I waste a few times a […]
October 12th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
[…] A Train of Self Trashing […]
October 12th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Agreed. Your self worth is an underlying factor in determining the level of your self esteem. When you feel good about yourself regardless of your situation, your circumstances, opinions and the economy, you practically increase the potentiality of succeeding in any endeavor.
I have also written an article on ways to improving self esteem at http://www.chargedaudio.com/blog/ways-to-improve-self-esteem/
October 21st, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Every train needs a good conductor and a goal.
Two tickets please… to joy and contentment.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 am
[…] to say. ( I like to say mine with a slightly snobbish accent) I can now remind myself whenever I am boarding that dark train, that someone out there thinks “I’m […]
October 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
My poor self esteem came from being told that I was stupid, ugly and the result of an unwanted pregnancy. My father was mentally ill and he was abusive in all ways. I just had to tell myself to “get over it.” I thought I had, but then I kept getting into these relationships with abusive men. No one was hitting me, but they did not meet my needs.
Sounds like you may just need to count your blessings. We do it every Sunday on Blog Your Blessing Sunday. Join us.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I have been having an ongoing discussion with a online friend about the effects of self esteem or the lack of it and you have given me loads of material. Hope you don’t mind if I use some. I will of course give you credit. This train is moving in the right direction to convince him of my point of view. Thanks
August 13th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Well said, I have questioned for years why I have always been so critical of myself. It took me a while to realize it was low self-esteem. I make a choice daily to not take the self trashing train. Thanks for sharing.